Let me rewind.
Friday when I got off work I was a bit miffed because while I had been at my 9-5 I ended up missing out on about $2000 that I could have made trading crypto, but alas, when you’re at work you can’t exactly keep an eye on the charts. Now I can’t say I lost money, because I didn’t. I still profited, but I could have made more and that was frustrating,
So Friday night, I decide to go to this Greek festival in Richmond VA. It was pretty cool, but my date was being an asshole so we left. I ended up ditching him and going to get my dance on at the club. About 10 tequila shots later I’m like, “Chris who?” Yeah, we’ll just say his name was Chris. Anyway, I danced the night away. I was dancing with everyone and having a great time until everything changed gears. Which tends to happen when you’re drinking to cover up emotional pain.
I’ve since been told that I was escorted into an uber from the club by a few concerned staff members/friends. I was very ornery. This is not surprising as the velociraptor can only be soothed by EDM beats and sometimes food. Usually food. But I didn’t finish my spanakopita at the festival, so I was an angry raptor.
I have a vague memory of possibly just being my usual drunk bratty self which may explain why the Uber driver decided to drop me off two blocks from my apartment. Needless to say, after so much tequila my legs weren’t really cooperating. So, a parasite of the state (more commonly known as a cop) decided to kidnap me. I was like, “Dude, my apartment is literally right there. This is silly, just drop me off.” But he wanted to flex his muscles. Funny because even the cops at the station when I was being processed out were like, “I don’t know how some people do DIPs. I can’t do it.” Look, even your colleagues think you’re an asshole.
I didn’t make it easy for him though. I was cooperative enough to not get tased, but that’s about it. When he brought me in and cuffed me to the table, I slipped my wrist out of the cuffs about 3 times and waved at him - the bruises i now have on my wrist from him making them as tight as they go - totally worth it.
Upon being put into the torture chamber AKA solitary confinement, I began to pound my fists and head against the glass. That is, until the nurse was kind enough to state the obvious to me- chill the fuck out and they’ll let you go. So then I just tried to sleep. I thought about shitting on the floor, but I’m glad I didn’t because other inmates have to clean that up. Of course, I could also probably add “vandalizing state property” to my rap sheet if I had. Obviously I didn’t consider all of that at the time.
So 4pm Saturday rolls around and they finally release me.
I thought of saying something funny like, “Looks guys, I’m gonna have to give you a poor review on Yelp, I mean, the unit was clean but that mattress was terrible! I specifically requested the luxury suite.”
I didn’t say this though because I realized that we’re not dealing with rational people here who can take a joke, These are sociopaths- poorly trained killers who hurt and extort people for a living under the guise of “making the streets safer.”
The moral of the story is, don’t trust the police. Don’t trust Uber and don’t trust yourself around liquor after dealing with heartbreak. Just go/stay home, and do some kratom, peacefully. Unless of course, that’s illegal in your state. Then I guess I can’t advocate that. I wouldn’t want you minding your own business using an all natural substance to alleviate your pain. Dear, Gods, the horror!
-Veloschka Raptore